Got back from a great event honoring the mothers of my church and I had the cool opportunity to take some studio equipment and do live studio shots, felt really good to give back and will post on that more in future. But right now, I am back home, my boys are asleep and so is my husband Max. There is such a nice strong breeze coming in the window and I remember my mother. Our lives has changed so much in the last ten years.She married as a teen, had me, then when I was a little over 1, my parents divorced and she was a single woman living in Brazil. Times were tough, she lost her dad and other people she loved at such a young age and she later told me that I was the reason she looked forward to living. She was so down and depressed at times but when she saw me, it lifted her spirits. Still living in Brazil, I remember her carrying large bags of clothing that she would buy in another state to sell independently. Times were tough, we were tight. Life was hard. Her sister had been in the states and my mom soon booked her trip here in search for a better life. She came in March of 1985 and we were separated for the very first time. It was a hard 4 months for her, she said she wept, I wept a bit, don’t recall those four months much. Soon my trip was booked, I was to come as if going on an excursion to Disney which my cousin who was 18 at the time. We stayed only 4 days at Disney and I remember a lot of that trip. I was only 6. Then suddenly, I arrived in north Newark, going to a school where I understood no one and the teacher scared the living daylights out of me. I would cry every day and there she was, my mom staring at the window, watching me. She could not bear it so she moved to a different town and there were Portuguese speaking folks. She worked many hours, times were tough, we were tight. I was an only child for almost 12 years and today my mom remarried and has 4 more kids and my dad has a son, my brother Diego.
During my high school years, I helped my mom with the kids, my friends in school teased me saying, what is the news Feuza, pregnant again cause she got pregnant 3 out of the 4 high school years- lol. And times were still rough and we were still tight. It came time for me to go to college to seek my independence and to try and figure out what I would do in life. She had such a hard time with that idea because remember we were tight. I remember my first day in college, I took the elevator to Campbell second Floor, Rutgers College. I was 17 and the halls began filling up with students for we were to have a meeting with the RA. Mom was pregnant at the time and she went into the elevator and as she left she loudly said I love you. I was so embarrassed because I thought I am in college now, we do not say those things in front of other college folks, I was selfish and silly.The years went by and I did many silly things as young adults do but she kept praying for me. I moved abroad, she kept praying. I came back three years later after being 7 years out of my house. I would soon meet my husband to be, get pregnant. When I found out I was pregnant and not married, it was the scariest thing in the world and I only thought of how disappointed she would be, because after all I was raised pentecostal Christian, I was a Sunday School teacher and I had never let my mom down. She was so disheartened and then a wall build up between us, a big wall, I could not stare at her, I could not hug her, we were not tight any more. She had always put me on a pedestal, saying how I was a saint and how intelligent I was because I liked academics and I burst her bubble and this is not a post to talk about unwed mothers and about being prude. It is about how I miss how tight we were and how I am happy, we are getting tight again. At the time, I think her prayers even ceased in shock and it was tough for me to not be tight and that felt strange and weird and cold. I am very blessed, I am married and have two wonderful little boys and a loving family. And now as a grandmother, I give my mom more trouble than before lol always asking for help. And recently I had to help her with her business, because I owed it to her, my mom was about to loose her business, loose all she worked for and her American Dream, and I could not just sit at let that happen and no I am not soft spoken and touchy touchy but I owed it to her, she has done so much for me, and we have grown and changed so much and what impressed me the most was as soon as she found out her signature service which made up most of her revenue, was now considered illegal, she turned to me and said. That is okay because all things work in the favor of those who serve God. And I was like WOW! did she just say that because the panic button is going off in my head- S.O.S do not want to go back to those tough times but her faith, attitude and grace still surprises and inspires me. We have had our ups and downs but one thing is for sure, I will always be grateful for all she did for me, all that she taught me, she has invested in my business and believes I can reach for the stars because mom’s always know it in in there, the potential.I love her, She is my mom and we are tight. With heavy Brazilian accent, color and cuts her hair every week, Jaira Lima now grandmother of Lucas and Joshua. I love you mom and I pray that we be as tight as ever….
